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Dear Care and Feeding,
My boyfriend has two children, ages 6 and 8. We’ve only been together for 2 years, but he waited a year to introduce me (at my request). He is a warm and loving boyfriend and a committed and involved parent. I support his parenting decisions. I know I am not the mother of my children. When he says it’s time for bed and my daughter asks for 30 more minutes, I tell her it’s time for bed. After he and her mother take the iPad away for a few days, I tell her no iPads.
But he grew up in a household that believed in alternative medicine, and I sometimes disagree with his treatment methods for my kids’ illnesses. I know he and my ex-husband fight about this too. I don’t want to get involved, but I don’t know where the line is. If there’s a broken bone or a concussion, he takes the kids to the emergency room. The kids get regular dental care. But if the kids have a cold or runny nose, he bans sugar and encourages them to drink warm water and certain herbal tea blends. Ok, I don’t agree with that, but I know it can only treat the cold symptoms, so it doesn’t seem that harmful.
However, when one of his children developed a high fever that would not go down and actually developed pneumonia, he still steadfastly refused Tylenol or antibiotics and tried to make do with alternative medicines. At this point, I spoke to his ex-husband privately, and he came to me and fought to get him real medical care, but it was not right and I didn’t know what to do.
– I am worried about natural remedies
For the nervous person
You’re right to be nervous! You’re making things even more difficult for yourself by the fact that there’s a huge divide between your boyfriend and his ex on this very issue. (In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this conflict is one of the big reasons they’re no longer together.)
Usually, if someone disagrees with their new partner’s parenting style, my advice would be to do essentially the same thing you’re trying to do: just sit back and watch how things unfold. Don’t pretend to be a parent. Accept the fact that, for now, your opinion on how these kids are being raised doesn’t matter much. But this time is different. The health and safety of these kids is at stake. Giving a kid herbal tea when they have a cold is one thing, and ignoring pneumonia is another. Honestly, I happy You told on your ex-boyfriend, even though it was a situation you could never have found yourself in.
This is more than a parenting dispute between an ex and your boyfriend, and you can’t afford to sit back and wait. This issue puts not only your children’s health at risk, but your relationship as well. If you can’t stand by and watch him make what are objectively poor decisions about your children’s medical care, just like his ex did, is there really a long-term future between the two of you? I don’t think so. So you’d be better off being proactive and broaching this issue now.
I think you need to talk to him directly. Tell him how scared you were when his child was seriously ill and he didn’t believe science or medicine could solve it. You’re worried he’s putting his children’s safety at risk and you can’t just stand by and watch that happen. If the subject comes up, you could tell him that you were the one who called his ex-girlfriend about the pneumonia. The outcome of this conversation may not be a happy one, but it will definitely be illuminating.
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