How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
My wife and I used to go to sex parties all the time. It stopped since she got pregnant. My son is almost one year old and I really want to get back into the field.
But now that we have children, she says, we need to keep that chapter of our lives closed. It’s not like we host parties at our house and the fact that we have kids doesn’t seem to be here or there in terms of getting back to what we were doing. How can I ease her tension?
— Ready for the party
Are you ready for the party?
Regardless of the fact that you’re likely stepping into the realm of coercion, convincing your partner to have sex that they’re not comfortable with is a recipe for destroying your relationship. You do not ease your wife’s anxiety. You respect her current boundaries. You say your son is almost a year old, and I’m seeing a woman for the first time who is less than a year away from giving birth. If you can show patience, your wife’s position may change again. But pushing the topic can lead to distancing, resentment, and a stubborn and permanent “no” to the practice.
I think it’s telling that you never mention the reasons for your wife’s decisions. Yes, you both have children, but is this due to fear of sexually transmitted diseases? Does the fact of motherhood mean a change in what she considers acceptable behavior? Has anything changed in her relationship with her body and desire regarding the physical and hormonal process of pregnancy? Will spending time with her baby and protecting her precious sleep be a priority and sex parties will interfere with that? You don’t seem to have this information, but you seem to have guessed one reason (probably not the actual case) and dismissed it immediately. If you want to understand your wife’s logic, ask her out of genuine curiosity. Those answers will help you accept this particular symptom that your life is now very different. Because it needs to be done.
It might also help you understand what you’re missing about these parties. What emotional needs are being met? Excitement? Novelty? Note? Can you think of potential ways to meet those desires while staying within your wife’s boundaries?This could be a second conversation. If you can truly hear your wife and make her feel that you are listening to her, then there is probably at least some room for compromise and negotiation. However, this needs to be collaborative, and it’s wise to proceed with caution, gentleness, and grace in how she reacts to the big life experience she just had.
—Jessica
More advice from Slate
Recently, my long-term boyfriend bought me a new dildo. It is pale green in color with fairly large, stylized eyes. I thought it looked weird, but he thought it was funny and put it on a rack with most of his other sex toys near his bed. Although it has never been used for sexual activity, But I thought I’d give it a try if the conditions were right…
