Welcome to a new week of rain, steam, and finally lola singing, dancing, and enjoying life to the fullest. But before that, there are a ton of pressing issues to deal with. For example, scientists seem to have discovered a way to make women live longer (as if that were necessary). It seems that the number of times a week you have sex increases your chances of living longer. That’s right, if a woman has sex more than once a week, it’s better for her heart health and she tends to live longer. This applies to women between the ages of 20 and 60, so Angie, tick-tock, move on. For women who have sex less than once a week, that poor woman has a 70% higher chance of dying. This may explain why straight Jay always gets a headache every time Angie turns off the lights in the house to increase his chances of cheating. Layered on that increased risk of death is depression, so if no one is going to give you sex when you’re sad, it increases your chances of becoming a dirty sausage. Angie put it in even simpler terms by explaining that it’s no wonder these women collapse because they’re more likely to get depressed if they’re not having sex. Maris found the “Sex more or die!” campaign accurate, but Angie couldn’t help but be convinced that the study was done by men. But the funny thing is, it turned out that men who have sex more than once a week were more likely to die, so I think that made her theory completely moot. Of course, this is all ironic, but the reproduction of the species is based on this, we tell women to have more sex, but we tell men to have more sex. Angie had a secondary solution where women jumped on the “sisters are doing it themselves” train and just had girl-on-girl sex. Maris was confused about how that would work exactly, but relented, because she thought she’d found a loophole. Men could simply watch from the sidelines (like at a sporting event), but Angie wasn’t convinced. She explained that men want to jump in while saying sideline view. Tickets to the matinee performance of “Scissor Me Timbers” probably won’t sell any more. Maris then came up with a second idea: two girls and one guy, because everyone would gain something. The guy’s math didn’t sit well with Angie, so she suggested that Maris slap it on the head while she pondered this confusing research and let the women do it their way (this worked both as my intended explanation and as a fun play on words).
