Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Send from here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter, who is almost 6, is a bit of a spooky child. She loves cemeteries and talks about death a lot. She says it almost all the time, but it’s not that she’s worried about it. She takes polls about who in the family will die first, asks how the body dies and what happens to it afterwards, calls sparklers “gravestone dust”, and generally likes to talk about family members and pets who have passed away. All this while being very spirited and curious. We are not religious, so I answer honestly.
It doesn’t bother me, but should I be worried? Should I tell her not to talk about this with other people? I don’t want to send the message to her that death is inherently scary or taboo, but I also don’t want other people to feel weird about it.
P.S.: She isn’t really interested in scary movies, books, haunted houses, or anything scary. She’s not exactly a horror kid.
—Wednesday Adams
Dear Wednesday,
It is very likely that this interest in death is just a temporary phase that your daughter is going through. Also, she may end up having a better relationship with death than most people. I wouldn’t worry, but I would warn her that others are not necessarily comfortable with the topic and that she should be sensitive to that, especially among her classmates. Also, she should avoid topics like “who will die first” because they can be upsetting no matter how well someone understands and accepts death. Make her understand that death is something to talk about at home and not at school to scare her classmates. Explain that death is a natural part of life, but it can also be sad and frightening, and that she should avoid talking about it with anyone other than her parents.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
We live in an affluent area of Connecticut that is pretty prominent in pop culture (median home value is about $3.5 million). We have a daughter who is a good student and an overall great person. She is not very interested in material things; she dresses normally for a 16-year-old, she doesn’t care much about the latest electronics, she just takes advantage of whatever works. That being said, we are upfront with her about the need to recognize that our lives are not normal and that we are privileged compared to 99 percent of the world. We are careful that she doesn’t brag or make fun of people who are not in our situation. My wife didn’t grow up in this environment and I don’t tolerate it anyway.
My daughter just turned 16 and all her best friends got cars for their birthdays. They all have the same car and it costs $150,000. I plan on buying my daughter a car but I can’t afford to spend that much money on a 16 year old. The problem is she is getting invited to less and less events with her friends and I don’t see her hanging out with them anymore. She seems sadder than usual. I don’t want to ask her best friend’s parents if something is wrong because I don’t want to embarrass her by them trying to ask her about this. Every time I talk to my daughter she says “nothing is wrong” when it’s obvious that something is wrong. What on earth is going on? What am I missing?
—No Affluenza
No Affluenza
Your daughter may be feeling less connected to her friend group, and being excluded from car parties may be contributing to this. (Not that you did anything wrong; spending $150,000 on your first car is ridiculous for a teenager.) There may also be other issues between your daughter and her friends. If she won’t confide in you, it may be worth talking to a therapist. Kids her age have a lot going on; she may benefit from being able to talk to a neutral person. Some teens feel embarrassed about telling their parents what’s going on in their lives.
It’s possible that the friend group problems are seeming bigger than they really are, and that your daughter is just feeling emotional lately as she goes through the rollercoaster of adolescence. It’s not uncommon for teenagers to just feel sad, angry, or frustrated. But since you have the resources, I think your best bet is to find a professional to talk to her about it. Choose someone who has experience working with teenagers. In the meantime, keep asking questions.
Express your observations calmly, without accusing or judging: “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been spending less time with the girls lately. Is there something going on?”
Finally, don’t be afraid to talk to your daughter about the differences between your family and her friends. Explain why you chose the type of car you’re buying for her, and accept that it’s natural for her to compare it to her friends’ luxury cars. Tell her that anyone who treats her less than her because she doesn’t have a $150,000 car shouldn’t be her friend in the first place. She may not want to hear it, but she needs to.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 7-year-old son who is very sensitive to certain smells and foods. It’s quite a challenge to accommodate his demands. Recently, I found myself in an awkward situation with another mother at the playground. I knew that the strong smells of her daughter’s lunch box bothered my son, so even though it was awkward, I decided to speak up. I tried to explain that these smells were interfering with my son’s school life and also affecting his appetite. I approached her politely, hoping that she would understand. However, she completely ignored my concerns and suggested that I just leave if I didn’t like it. I was shocked. It felt like she didn’t care about my son’s health at all.
My husband thinks I could have handled it better, but I don’t know what else I could have done. I was just trying to advocate for my son. His sensitivity to smells and foods is already a big problem, and this strong smell is making school life unbearable. My son shouldn’t have to suffer because another mother packed inappropriate food for her child’s lunch. I approached the other mother calmly, hoping that common sense would make her change her mind. But she refused to consider a change and even used vulgar language.
I hate seeing my son suffer like this. I will not allow someone else’s insensitivity to cause my son to have to refuse school lunches. What else can I do to get the other mother to comply with my demands? I am open to any suggestions, even if I have to talk over her head or take legal action. This may sound extreme, but my child’s well-being is at stake and I need someone other than me to take this situation seriously.
— Angry Mother Bear
Dear Mama Bear,
I can imagine how distressing it must be for you to see your son struggle with his sensitivities, but that’s no reason for other parents to change what they serve their children for lunch. It’s one thing if they’re going out to play, but it’s not fair to expect other kids to change what they eat just because he’s around. You don’t know what food issues other kids have that would force them to eat something you think smells bad. You won’t say what the food was, but it’s also worth considering that so-called “ethnic” foods can have a strong smell and may get kids teased for bringing them to school. Suggesting they bring a different food is culturally insensitive.
Is there a smell your son can smell if something is bothering him, perhaps an essential oil he can carry in his backpack? I would recommend talking to your son’s teacher and/or principal to help you make the appropriate arrangements for your son. Unfortunately, this may mean that your son has to sit alone. It may be a pain, but if that’s the only way to avoid exposing him to unpleasant odors, then it’s necessary. You could offer him an assigned seat in the cafeteria where other students must keep their distance, or have him eat alone in his classroom. Unfortunately, there isn’t much else you can do. I know that many classrooms have nut-free policies to accommodate students with allergies, but odor sensitivity is much more subjective and difficult to plan for. The particular odor your son finds repulsive may be carried by foods his classmates need to survive.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I don’t know what I can or will do to help my younger siblings who are growing up in a home where both parents are in the midst of drug addiction. My sister-in-law was recently hospitalized for alcoholism and I found out my brother drinks too much every day. Child Protective Services visited them but they don’t seem to be moving in the direction of requiring AA, parenting classes or therapy. I’m sure my brother and his wife played nice when the case worker visited.
I know I can’t make someone ready to get off drugs and get sober. I think I’d be more accepting if my brother didn’t have kids, but these little humans deserve a home that isn’t scary, unpredictable, and sometimes dangerous. Is there anything I can do other than continue to support him and encourage him to get help? I feel like one day these kids will ask me why I didn’t help them, and I may not have a good answer.
— Nibbling in Distress
Dear Nibblings,
Are you in a position to care for your brother’s children? Ideally, you would like to get them out of the home and into the care of a responsible person. Your brother and sister-in-law may consider leaving their children with you, at least temporarily. Offer it if you can. The children need a safe place to live with responsible adult caretakers. If you are not, is there anyone in your family who is willing and able to do so?
If adopting your children is not an option, do your best to stay as involved in your children’s lives as possible. Children need a stable adult they can rely on. Take them on weekly outings, text them every night to make sure they get home safely, and call them often. Do all you can to make your children feel loved. Also, pay close attention to your children and their living environment. If you find that your children are truly in danger, you may have to make the difficult decision to report their brother and step-sister to the authorities. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that they will be cared for by a loved one, and foster care is not something you want your children to experience. However, if their home is truly unsafe, it may be better for them than what they are experiencing now.
What have you and your family said about his and his wife’s problems? Have you tried to intervene? If not, consider finding an addiction specialist and getting people together to confront them. Hearing from you might convince them that they need to make different arrangements for the kids, at least for the time being.
—Jamila
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