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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 78 year old mother and grandmother, and my daughter, now 55 and mother to two granddaughters aged 26 and 16, has not spoken to me in nearly two years.
Over the years, my mother has had periods where she has withdrawn from me or simply stopped speaking to me. My granddaughters are loving and confused, but I don’t expect them to work on my behalf. My daughter also just kicked out her husband, and he says she has cut off not only him and me, but most of her old friends. I think she has been influenced by an awakened therapist who told her that we are all “toxic” and that she may have vitamin deficiencies after years of no meat, dairy, or gluten diets. She has also become obsessed with gym work and is now very skinny and all muscle (one of my granddaughters shows me pictures and I have no idea who she is).
I am heartbroken and very lonely in my old age. My mother has blocked me from all digital communication so I can only message her through my older granddaughter. I have tried to tell her that I love her, miss her and am sorry for my actions that caused our relationship to completely fall apart. The granddaughter has relayed this message but my mother has said she will not contact me. I have always supported my mother as much as I can – financially, helping her with her school work (she is dyslexic), looking after my daughters etc. I don’t know what else I can do.
—Heartbroken in London
To those of you who are grieving
There is nothing else you can or should do. I’m sorry you are suffering, but what is happening here is out of your control. Please remember that your daughter is a grown adult. Her decision to end her marriage, her choice to distance herself from many old friends, her exercise habits that you may consider excessive, and her food choices are all her own business. I know you worry about her and miss her. And as regular readers probably know, I don’t advocate estrangement from family except as a last resort. But you can’t force her to contact you, no matter how hurt you are. Also, your message that you are sorry for “whatever” you did, even if it were absolutely true (and I believe you, you have no idea what you did to deserve this!), is not a helpful or effective apology. It’s just a slightly more dressed up “I’m sorry you feel this way” message.
Whether or not the “awakened therapist” has any role in this is immaterial. I urge you to NOT use your granddaughter as an intermediary. Do not ask for pictures. Do not send messages through her. If you continue to do this, I am concerned that I am jeopardizing your relationship with your granddaughter. sheDon’t force her to ultimately choose between you and her mother (she will probably lose). If you want to maintain a loving relationship with her, both As for your relationship with your granddaughters, your best hope is to be clear that your relationship with them is a separate bond from your (now nonexistent) relationship with their mother.
—Michelle
