Ask AJ is Slate’s new advice column about addiction, recovery, and how to stop feeling bad about yourself. Ask a questionAnonymous!
Dear AJ,
Can you give me some advice on the best way to get my partner to be honest about his drinking? My partner has struggled with alcohol for many years and has had periods of sobriety, but is now drinking again. I’ve noticed that he has been drinking more recently, but I’m not sure exactly how much.
While I am willing to discuss this in order to have an ongoing, honest dialogue, I also believe that their honesty would result in boundaries from me (e.g. parenting, sex) that would stifle their desire to be honest and perhaps create a pattern of lying and/or abstaining from drinking.
What’s more, they are really good at appearing sober/not that drunk even when they are drinking heavily and since they are high functioning now, you wouldn’t know how bad the situation is from the outside unless they told you. I am also the adult child of an alcoholic so I am very scared to talk openly about drinking in general.
— How bad is it, really?
Dear HBIIR,
I’ve read your email over and over again, trying to process my emotional reactions, but each time I feel more frustrated by your unfortunate situation. Watching your partner destroy themselves is a terrifying experience, especially when loving them and wishing them well doesn’t solve the problem.
I’ve been sloppy and sneaky on both sides of these relationships. I’ll start with the concerned and frustrated partner. The partner who I diagnosed with an obvious drinking and/or drug problem never listened to me trying to “help” them, probably because they thought I was trying to control them. And just between you and me (and the thousands of people reading this), they were right.
My desire to control them was a desperate attempt to keep them with me. Why can’t they see how happy I can make them? They don’t need to get so drunk at every wedding that they have to be carried off before the cake is cut, or so drunk on a holiday that they puke all over the turkey…
It’s a losing battle. They don’t want your help because they don’t think their drinking is a serious problem. It was just two disastrous weddings. They would say. Anyway, the turkey was too dry. Or, this is the correct place: You’re not perfect either. I know, it’s devastating.
And when I was an out-of-control alcoholic wreaking havoc in relationships, I promised myself time and time again that I would change: drink less, lie less, get home at a reasonable time during the week, etc. But inevitably, I fell short of those promises, and ruined my relationships by blaming them for all the drama, which was either their fault for a) meddling in my personal problems or b) trusting me in the first place. They should never have told me that my problematic drinking and abusive behavior was hurting them.
And then I ran away. I was totally emotional and snatching.
So back to the question: is there a way to have an open and honest dialogue with your partner when, as you say, they tend to hide their drinking well, stay silent when confronted about it, and even (I think) outright lie about their drinking?
So I guess the bigger question you’re asking is, “Can you fix your partner?”
I think there are some success stories.
But do we need to fix our partners?
According to most of the literature on adult children of alcoholics, that is a big no-no. Like you, I grew up in a dysfunctional home. When I was young, my father yelled at me and bullied me.There is a history of alcoholism and drug addiction in my family that has been largely ignored or covered up.
There were many other factors that I had not fully considered or addressed for most of my life that exacerbated most of my self-destructive tendencies, but when I finally realized that the only person who could save me was me, I sought help.
I don’t want to inflict the ACA literature on you, but when you’re in “I can fix this person” mode,problem” is often read before any conference I attend. It reminds me that sometimes our best intentions can become our worst instincts. I’ve bolded a few sections for you to read again.
[We] They prefer to care about others rather than themselves. I felt guilty when I stood up for myself instead of giving in to others.Thus, we became reacters rather than doers, and allowed others to take the lead. We were dependent people who feared abandonment and would do almost anything to keep our relationship going so we wouldn’t be emotionally abandoned.. But we continued to choose unstable relationships because they resembled the relationships we had as children with alcoholic and dysfunctional parents.
I see you there, right?
So, as a healthy diversion alert, let’s come back to ourselves. Meaning: How do you take care of yourself while your partner is battling alcoholism? Leave your partner. With love, of course! I don’t think you need to resort to ultimatums about sex or parenting, but it’s good to have boundaries. The key is to not lose yourself in this process, where hypervigilance turns to paranoia and drama. There’s an old saying from the ACA about what it means to leave with love: Let’s say your partner gets drunk again and falls out of bed. Instead of fighting to get them back in bed, cover them with the blanket you put on the floor. That’s the best thing you can do for each other.
I distanced myself from my parents when my mother had cancer and my father was on the brink of dementia. It might sound callous, so I won’t go into too much detail, but trust me, it was what I needed at the time. I reconnected with them once I learned how to focus on my own needs instead of trying to fix their problems so I could feel better. I used another phrase that you’re probably familiar with:Reparenting I myself was caring for the little boy that was still inside of me.
Your partner is probably amazing, and you want to stay connected to them forever, but don’t lose yourself trying to save them. It might sound crazy, but independence is the best way to support your partner. Practice the ACA to the max. Rekindle your friendship. Get outside more. Hike, bike, walk, or just sit under a tree and let the breeze massage your face in a meadow filled with hummingbirds, harp-playing angels, and singing badgers. You get the idea.
There is a world where, at some point, your partner will understand your concerns about their sobriety and, amazingly, come to agree with you. If they want to invite you into that process, don’t take it for granted. It’s a gift. But don’t get angry or resentful if they stop drinking and don’t turn into the ideal superhero you expected them to be. This whole process takes time and it takes love. You love them, so act with love, especially when they are struggling.
But right now, you need to grow. Maybe your partner will catch up. Maybe they won’t. Either way, you’ll be okay. Trust that.
—A.J.
