Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Send from here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I had twin daughters, Caroline and Mariah. They were always very close and most twins seem to graduate from “twin talk.” They didn’t. Caroline passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last year at age 17. Words cannot express how cruel it was, and still is, for all of us.
My husband and I are struggling, but Mariah seems completely consumed by it. She’s struggling in school, doesn’t enjoy seeing her friends, and can’t seem to participate in her former favorite activities like soccer. We’ve put her in grief groups and on antidepressants, but nothing seems to work. We live in a rural area, so we’re on a long waiting list for therapists who see teenagers. In desperation, we’ve tried two therapists that our insurance doesn’t cover, but neither were a good fit.
Mariah has completed her college applications and is starting to receive acceptance letters, but I am concerned that she is not yet ready for this situation. I asked her if she should continue or defer, and she said either is fine. The nearest local school is 3 hours away, so I would encourage her to try from the comfort of her home. We don’t want her to remain trapped in her memories while her friends and classmates move on, but my husband and I are concerned that she is too vulnerable right now. How do we parent her in this situation?
-sorrow
To those of you who are grieving
Firstly, I would like to express my deepest condolences for your loss. Something like this is unfathomable and I am so sorry for what your family is going through.
Dear Mariah: Have you tried finding a therapist who will talk to your daughter over Zoom? I know it’s not ideal. But it worksDuring the pandemic, many of us have been forced to have therapy over Zoom, but from my experience, I can say that it’s a great thing. My therapist moved to London, so I still see her over Zoom. I know how hard it is to find therapists for children and teens. There just aren’t enough therapists to meet the need, especially in rural areas. But don’t let location be an obstacle; it’s so important. They may also be able to recommend other options, such as support groups in your area or online.
I also think meeting with a therapist as a family may help break down the communication barriers you all face not only as you work through your grief but also as you look to the future. It’s incredible to me that Mariah applied to college and it’s wonderful that she got in. But she seems disinterested and anxious. I completely understand your anxiety and fears about her moving away. At the same time, college and independence may be exactly what she needs to move forward in life. You won’t know that until she experiences it. I think if she can make the transition with the support of a therapist, it will ease some of your fears and help her find a path forward.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been married for 14 years. It is an arranged marriage and I have been trying my best to make it work. In the first few years, my husband was loving and attentive to me, but we lived separately because I was still in college at that time. However, after we started living together, I realized that I had no emotional bond with my husband.
We have a daughter who is now 10 years old. My husband is a doting father and my daughter loves her father dearly. However, I am very unhappy and dissatisfied with my relationship with my husband. There is no intimacy between us, neither physical nor emotional. When we are alone, we either talk about our daughter or the trivialities of daily life, or else we are silent. I have a very stressful job and I get very little support from my husband regarding household chores.
He is very self-centered and maybe a little self-centred. I feel I am not in control of my financial situation and am not able to live the (slightly) luxurious life I have always wanted. He was very unhappy with my previous job in my home country, so we moved to a new country. In this new environment, I felt like a complete stranger and my mental and physical health rapidly deteriorated.
I am now separated from my husband. My daughter goes back and forth between our homes. This situation is heartbreaking and depressing for me at the same time. I don’t miss being with my husband, but I am suffering from severe anxiety and depression because it’s just the beginning. I am scared for my daughter’s future and my own future. Right now I want to move back home so I can be closer to my family, who are my biggest supporters. But I’m not sure if my husband would want to move back. My daughter would definitely be sad if we moved away without her father.
Every time I think about staying here I get a wave of anxiety and I feel like the worst mother in the world for putting my child through this, but I know I can’t keep suffering forever.
— Confused Mom
Dear mother,
First, your daughter will be absolutely fine. Kids are immensely resilient, and as long as you and your husband are each focused on her needs and feelings when you’re with her, she’ll be fine. I can speak from experience: my daughter has been splitting her time between me and her dad since she was 7 (she’s 12 now). She has now actually accepted the differences between our homes and enjoys spending time with us, so she’s fine. Don’t feel too guilty about this aspect of your situation.
Now, regarding you, it sounds like this separation is just starting, and you need a real time, like a year or two, to get used to your new reality before making any big decisions. Recovery Newsletter There was an interview this morning with a woman who has been sober for 38 years. She said she followed the advice in AA to not have any romantic or sexual relationships for two years after sobriety. As for separation or ending a marriage, I think it’s important to take some real time to get to know yourself again and sort out who you want to be as a parent and as a person.
Use your daughter’s time with her dad to find a therapist and get support for her anxiety and depression. (BTW, if you’re worried about your daughter, you can find one too. I did. It helped during the transition.) As your anxiety and guilt about your situation (both very understandable!) begin to decrease, you can get a handle on money and your future. I don’t know what your relationship with your husband is like right now, but you can slowly sort that out too. What you feel now will change in a month, three months, a year. I promise. Then you can decide where you want to be and what’s best for you and your daughter. You might be surprised at where you end up.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two daughters, ages 15 and 17. They were both poor eaters at a young age and it was always a tricky balance to make sure they had variety in their meals while still getting enough calories. I managed it but I dreaded meal planning and lost all love for cooking.
Now that my kids are at an age where they are more independent and we are not on the same schedule, we don’t eat meals together as often. My kids often don’t eat anything all day. For example, it is 1pm now and one of them hasn’t eaten anything. The other one had blueberries and a cheese stick. This is typical. We have plenty of food in the house and when we go to the grocery store I always ask my kids what they want.
I’ve tried making lists of their favorite foods so they can decide what to eat. I’ve tried cooking small portions of leftovers. I had big appetites as a teenager and thought this frustration would go away. But I feel like I’m always watching my kids eat and it’s just gotten worse. I don’t think it’s because of an eating disorder. They just don’t like food and hate cooking for themselves. They both overeat when they have access to sweets and eat normal dinners if we sit down together. What should I do?
— Mom’s Restaurant is no good
Dear No Business,
My honest advice would be to leave it alone. You say it’s not an eating disorder, and I’m sure you take your child to the doctor annually. If the pediatrician hasn’t flagged it as a problem, then you need to figure out how to not focus so much on what is more of a nuisance than a real issue. Your daughter sounds like she’s busy and active. If she has the energy to do what she needs to do, then she’ll be fine.
Still, I sympathize. My daughter has always been a picky eater, and I nearly cried last week at a restaurant when she ordered shrimp and grits and didn’t immediately choose buttered pasta.
Your daughters may change their views on food as it becomes more important socially. And they may have more relationships that revolve around food. This happens to everyone. I really hope that this will happen with my children. In the meantime, since your daughter eats with you at the table a lot, maybe you can find more opportunities to eat together. How about a nice family brunch on the weekend? Maybe a new habit will help you find the joy of cooking again. You can nourish your children and yourself at the same time.
—Hillary
